Breaking Point

Everyone has a breaking point.

I've had many.

Lately, I've been giving into the power of fear. Believing the inadequacies I've been telling myself. 'Not good enough, failing, not worth it.'  

I can't say for sure when these nasty little bugs snuck their way back into my thought process, or rather maybe I never got away from them, but I can see them now for what they are.


My first breaking point was when I saw the number I never want to see again in my life on the scale. I don't know why it was that particular number that set it off, I just knew I didn't want it to get higher or for my health to get worse. 

I hit another when I didn't want to continue to go to the same church I had been going to most of my life. During one particular sermon I realized I was making decisions based on someone elses' opinions and thoughts of me. How I wasn't living up to whatever standards I thought they wanted me to live up too. 

I broke when we were told that the possibility of future children was slim to none.

I broke again recently. It's odd, because I don't know that I can pin point this particular breaking point. 

Breaking Point
*n. The point at which physical, mental, or emotional strength gives way under stress.
*n. The point at which a condition or situation becomes critical. 

I imagine it had to do with the stress of starting a new job, taking on one to many projects, and just generally not having the space to take care of myself.

Our health always needs to be our first priority. The better we are, the better we are the other people.

 I've got a menu in place. I've poured through old pictures, seeing my past health. Remembering what I felt like at each stage. Uncomfortable and over weight. Unstoppable and fit.These snapshots from various points of my life have given me some motivation.
I'm slowly putting a new workout routine together and I can't wait to see it fall into place. I'm saying kinder things to myself and stopping the nonsense thoughts in their tracks.

I can say that having an encouraging team of people to work with has helped. I've been called a fast learner, this past week. It was a boost to my bruised self image.

With one week at the new job and more of a set schedule. I'm beginning to feel like I can take on the world again. Beginning again.

For a biblical perspective on beginning again, I don't think I could write it any better than Jordan over at Ashes to Beauty, her post Let Go is beautiful. 

Alright, I am off to rest. I will post again soon.