You're going to want to pull up a chair. It's been a long one, and I have a bit to hash out. The depression got the best of me, and I needed/ still need time to figure out how to move on and be positive.
I've been chasing my feelings away with food and a little bit of alcohol. Although, I'm not a good drinker. Not consistent and I don't always like the way it makes me feel. I enjoy running without hangovers, and not waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart. However, food? Food is an entirely different story. Chocolate gives me that rush of endorphins "I need". Over eating comforts me but eventually makes me feel awful.
I used to fill my stomach to the point of feeling sick.
I haven't quite reverted back to eating that much, as I've developed some good habits between then and now.
What I did discover recently was the best thing you can do when you're struggling, is to not judge yourself. Accept where you're at, and not judge your own feelings.You're angry, then you're guilty, insert self coping mechanism here. Mine is food.
I read a great article over at Girls Gone Strong: Dealing with Grief and Loss. The article combined physical fitness with mental health and it was everything I needed in the moment.
"You don’t have to have to pretend everything is OK.
You don’t have to stay strong if you feel like crumbling.
You don’t have to keep a stiff upper lip if you need a good cry."
You don’t have to stay strong if you feel like crumbling.
You don’t have to keep a stiff upper lip if you need a good cry."
What I have done though, is gained 20 pounds. Granted, the 20 pounds is over a 2-3 year time period, it's still not good. It is not 20 pounds of muscle. It is not 20 pounds of being cut. I'm uncomfortable, sluggish, and over eating to compensate.
I don't really 'do feelings'. In the girls Gone Strong article, the writer Molly Galbraith encourages us to embrace the hurt, accept our feelings.
"I used to be afraid of feeling sad, of truly allowing myself to
grieve the loss of something important to me. The thought of letting
grief take over my body and mind felt terrifying. Like it would be too
much and I might actually die — or at least want to die.
But somehow now, after more than eight years in therapy, the thought of running from the grief is even more terrifying. The thought of pushing away memories, stashing old photographs out of sight, shutting down conversations, trying to forget the reason I’m grieving in the first place — that deep, deep love I had for something or someone — feels worse.
Instead, recognizing that grief is the price I pay for loving deeply somehow makes it bearable enough to let it in. It’s still hard. It’s still scary."
But somehow now, after more than eight years in therapy, the thought of running from the grief is even more terrifying. The thought of pushing away memories, stashing old photographs out of sight, shutting down conversations, trying to forget the reason I’m grieving in the first place — that deep, deep love I had for something or someone — feels worse.
Instead, recognizing that grief is the price I pay for loving deeply somehow makes it bearable enough to let it in. It’s still hard. It’s still scary."
Sometimes, when I'm really hurting and need some guidance...this is going to sound silly, but I have fake conversations with my friends in my head. (kind of like fake arguments but instead these are healthier.) Plus the second best thing when you can't actually get a hold of one of your friends.
It's a lot like praying, or even rationalizing your feelings. visualizing what your best friend would say about what your struggling with.
My best friend, A, from 1st grade, is usually my person when this happens. She is literally one of the strongest people I know. Brave. Smart. Kind. Believes that everyone should not only stand up for their beliefs but that they should fight for them too. The girl was born a fighter and has stayed one her entire life.
She encourages REAL conversations with my self and doesn't allow me to wallow in self pity, pointing out things I might not have noticed because I'm wrapped up in the mess while she can keep a clear mind and sharp eye for the details.
So this is me. Finding the strength to accept where I'm at and begin again. Begin again with healthier habits. Have a real conversation with myself about self acceptance and not punish myself for being where I'm at.
Blessings everyone,
Don't forget to call your BFF today.
A
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