You're gonna want to put your seat belt on for this one...it's gonna be a long one today.
Last weekend I completed just over 13 miles of hills in the cold, wet, weather. I didn't finish in the time I wanted too, but I finished strong. I missed my goal by 7 minutes and some odd seconds. My phone died around the 2 hour 45 minute mark. I had to stuff my phone in water pack and turn my head phones off. It was everything I could do to just keep moving that last mile. Mile 12 took me just over 16 minutes to complete.
I have to say though, it's kind of fun to come in last...there's a larger group of people cheering for you at the end. I got a lot of high five's and quite a few congratulations on finishing strong. I was out on that trail a lot by myself, which was both a little scary and also thrilling. It was a lot of adjusting layers as necessary. I got rid of my vest after the first lap (roughly 4.4 miles.) from there it was a lot of pulling my balaclava up over my face and down, sleeves up and down, gloves on and off. As the wind kicked in I nestled into my clothes more, as the trees blocked the gusts I pulled layers off.
I distinctly remember though around mile 11/12 thinking "I do NOT want to do an ultra." We'll see if I stick to it, but my body was having a bit of a rough go of it.
That night I had about 2 glasses of wine...and some chicken soup. Chicken broth, canned chicken, celery, and carrots all boiled in spices until hot. It was delicious. Then Sunday, I finished the weekend out with a 4mish miler with Iron Woman. We walked most of it, but we beat our goal time of 1hr 15mins.
It wasn't a fast clip, but it felt good just to be moving. Moving and talking and working out whatever issues might have come up in our lives since the last time we were together.
I've been not talking very positively to myself lately. I've had ZERO food goals (which is the problem.) I've also taken to calling myself fat and being mad because I "allowed" myself to gain weight back. Weight that is making me feel sluggish and slow. Weight that is making it hard to work out.
We see images of perfect bodies, celebrities, models plastered everywhere. We see runners who win trophies and get on the cover of magazines. Instagram feeds crammed with lifters and gains, and maxing out their perfectly sculpted Hercules like muscles.
It's draining.
Can I be that person? Can I reach those same goals they have? How do you love yourself, not hate the process, but enjoy the journey/pick a destination all at the same time?
I really did have that moment on Tuesday where as I was getting changed, I kept saying "I can't believe how fat I've gotten. I feel horrible. Look at all this." Then. "Stop. What the heck are saying? WHY are you talking to yourself like that?"
It's not like, I'm not trying. Obviously. I just completed two races back to back. I love the medals...those are VERY motivating but it turns out...it's not enough anymore. I want to complete challenges to the best of my ability. I cannot give it my all when I am eating like an unsupervised child in a candy store.
I hate that I'm a blogger who believes in motivation to get you through but yet...gets thrown off by the slightest soul-tempting cookie.
I started Tim Tebows Book 'Shaken'. I'm listening to the audio version, but even 30 minutes in, I have a small idea of why I'm struggling so much. Why...for the last 3 years I've continued to struggle.
Not only have I forgotten my why, but my identity in Christ.
Tebow was talking about how for the 3rd time in as many years, that he was having to clear out his locker from another NFL career goal, gone sideways. As he was tossing stuff into a heavy, black, garbage bag he looked over all the sports drinks, bars, supplements that were supposed to make him better, faster, stronger.
I too have a plethora of things I use to help with my PCOS symptoms. One to help with the acidity in my body, one to help regulate my hormones, one for my brain, some essential oils directly linked to my endocrine system. I have protein bars, energy drinks, vegetable drinks...you name it, I've probably tried some version of it.
None of these things though we're enough to help Tebow from being cut by the New England Patriots.
Last weekend I completed just over 13 miles of hills in the cold, wet, weather. I didn't finish in the time I wanted too, but I finished strong. I missed my goal by 7 minutes and some odd seconds. My phone died around the 2 hour 45 minute mark. I had to stuff my phone in water pack and turn my head phones off. It was everything I could do to just keep moving that last mile. Mile 12 took me just over 16 minutes to complete.
I have to say though, it's kind of fun to come in last...there's a larger group of people cheering for you at the end. I got a lot of high five's and quite a few congratulations on finishing strong. I was out on that trail a lot by myself, which was both a little scary and also thrilling. It was a lot of adjusting layers as necessary. I got rid of my vest after the first lap (roughly 4.4 miles.) from there it was a lot of pulling my balaclava up over my face and down, sleeves up and down, gloves on and off. As the wind kicked in I nestled into my clothes more, as the trees blocked the gusts I pulled layers off.
I distinctly remember though around mile 11/12 thinking "I do NOT want to do an ultra." We'll see if I stick to it, but my body was having a bit of a rough go of it.
That night I had about 2 glasses of wine...and some chicken soup. Chicken broth, canned chicken, celery, and carrots all boiled in spices until hot. It was delicious. Then Sunday, I finished the weekend out with a 4mish miler with Iron Woman. We walked most of it, but we beat our goal time of 1hr 15mins.
It wasn't a fast clip, but it felt good just to be moving. Moving and talking and working out whatever issues might have come up in our lives since the last time we were together.
I've been not talking very positively to myself lately. I've had ZERO food goals (which is the problem.) I've also taken to calling myself fat and being mad because I "allowed" myself to gain weight back. Weight that is making me feel sluggish and slow. Weight that is making it hard to work out.
We see images of perfect bodies, celebrities, models plastered everywhere. We see runners who win trophies and get on the cover of magazines. Instagram feeds crammed with lifters and gains, and maxing out their perfectly sculpted Hercules like muscles.
It's draining.
Can I be that person? Can I reach those same goals they have? How do you love yourself, not hate the process, but enjoy the journey/pick a destination all at the same time?
I really did have that moment on Tuesday where as I was getting changed, I kept saying "I can't believe how fat I've gotten. I feel horrible. Look at all this." Then. "Stop. What the heck are saying? WHY are you talking to yourself like that?"
It's not like, I'm not trying. Obviously. I just completed two races back to back. I love the medals...those are VERY motivating but it turns out...it's not enough anymore. I want to complete challenges to the best of my ability. I cannot give it my all when I am eating like an unsupervised child in a candy store.
I hate that I'm a blogger who believes in motivation to get you through but yet...gets thrown off by the slightest soul-tempting cookie.
I started Tim Tebows Book 'Shaken'. I'm listening to the audio version, but even 30 minutes in, I have a small idea of why I'm struggling so much. Why...for the last 3 years I've continued to struggle.
Not only have I forgotten my why, but my identity in Christ.
Tebow was talking about how for the 3rd time in as many years, that he was having to clear out his locker from another NFL career goal, gone sideways. As he was tossing stuff into a heavy, black, garbage bag he looked over all the sports drinks, bars, supplements that were supposed to make him better, faster, stronger.
I too have a plethora of things I use to help with my PCOS symptoms. One to help with the acidity in my body, one to help regulate my hormones, one for my brain, some essential oils directly linked to my endocrine system. I have protein bars, energy drinks, vegetable drinks...you name it, I've probably tried some version of it.
None of these things though we're enough to help Tebow from being cut by the New England Patriots.
None of my supplements are strong enough to overcome a diet of M&M's for dinner.
In 2013-2015 I was so focused on overcoming my PCOS to get pregnant, my goal was clear. Lose weight, get pregnant. Doctors orders. Align hormones through weight loss, eat a diet low in carbs and boom, pregnancy.
Which none of that happened. Now I have jeans stuffed into dresser drawers that don't fit.
I believed so strongly in living that healthy lifestyle to achieve pregnancy that I didn't question it. I continued down the path of Paleo/low carb until friends started making comments about how I looked. When the testing was done and then two years later when our first IUI failed, I think I just gave up. We have no idea when we're going to be able to try again and I've lost interest in keeping my PCOS symptoms on track.
Without being to graphic...but honestly I'm not sure how many men read my blog, I experienced some issues around my last few periods. Early, late, break through...mood swings. I know I've crossed over to the dark side of not taking care of myself.
Instead of beating myself up though...I have to figure out how to move forward...lose the weight for good...in a healthy way, and take control over my PCOS.
With my identity being centered in Christ, it should be much easier to do. Giving over our journey to parenthood to him, giving over my control for perfection to him. Knowing he is not surprised by my mishaps, but yet loves me wholly, completely. He chose me. He died for me. I need balance restored back into my life. I woke up the other day with a sugar hang over. Dehydrated and low on energy. Where is my focus? If I can't have a baby naturally doesn't mean I should just give up and eat and do anything I want...although that's what it certainly feels like.
When I lost the weight the first time, my doctor put me on strict restrictions for the Atkins diet. Every time I wanted sugar I would put the thought of getting pregnant right into the forefront of my brain and it made it so much easier to be strong.
Now, if I see it and want to eat it, I do. There's no second thoughts, there's no questions what it will do to my body.
First step towards regaining control over my diet...mindset and meal prep.
I need to remember the importance of eating well. Not dieting.
Eventually motivation fades. Success turns into mistakes and fails. The important part of life though is to always keep trying. Keep trying to live a healthy life. Keep trying to talk positively to yourself.
What am I needing to learn, to get back on track? What is my goal? I'd love to lose weight...I'd love to run faster again. I'd love to not hurt and find workouts hard to do. What is my Why?
Maybe it's as simple as I aim to have more healthy habits because I HAVE to AND because I WANT to. Have to for my PCOS, want to because I love how I feel exercising and running fast.
I'm going to take this one day at a time for now. I've picked up my PrayFit book again. I only got through the first few days last time. This time, my goal is to actually read it for the entire month. I'm not waiting until Monday or after my birthday meal, or even the beginning of December. I am starting today. Right now.
I want to fuel my body like a warrior.
I love this version of Galatians 2:20...it's quite lengthy but The Message version can't speak it more plainly than this
"19-21 What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So I quit being a “law man” so that I could be God’s man. Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear, to you, that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate (to reject the authority of/not recognize) God’s grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
I stuck to doctors orders believing that pregnancy would just happen. Believing that if I followed what I was being told, the end result would be a baby. Obviously, that's not what happened.
Losing weight, being healthy, isn't a set of rules you have to follow. It is...to a degree. You have to find what works for your body. Keep that in your minds eye, keep that as your focus.
Without that focus of "your why (why you want to be healthy)", then you will continue to fight an uphill battle. Take it from me. Don't try to get skinny for an instagram picture. Don't try to impress those around you. Focus your mindset. If being healthy came by following a simple set of rules, then everyone would look like Christie Brinkley or Gabrielle Union (both gorgeous women!). The sacrifice to achieve your dreams would be meaningless.
Don't attempt this journey by yourself either. Lean into God. Use a devotional to keep you motivated. Find an accountability partner. Join a facebook group. You are not alone.
This weekend I will workout, meal prep, and keep reading my devotional. Alright everyone, it's time for me to get out of here.
Blessings,
A
Comments
You are so wise! You will make a wonderful mother. The question will be how. You can mother a classroom full of kiddies, you can mother a foster child, you can mother your niece and nephew and the children in your neighborhood. You can mother the child you adopt. You can mother your husband if he needs it. You can mother your parents when they need it. Where the baby/babies come from is not important. Remember, Sarai was barren until she was 89 years old. When the angels said that the following year she'd have a baby, she laughed. Rebecca, mother of Joseph and Benjamin, was barren for the first 8-10 years of her marriage. Hannah, mother of Samuel the prophet/judge was barren for the first decade of her marriage. Lean on God, and in HIS time after He's prepared you, you will have a child to mother.