Friday Feelings: Beautiful.

I've gone for a little bit. I've been doing a lot of resting. The pain in my side came back. 1 trip to my general practitioner and no answers later, I'm not risking anything. Two vials of blood drawn and a promise that an imaging company will follow up to makes sure my spleen isn't enlarged, hopefully I'll hear back on Monday. Prayers would be much appreciated. 

Normally I have a pretty low resting heart rate and STELLAR blood pressure, but this mystery pain has my anxiety ratcheted up so high that even the doctor questioned "are you nervous?"

Very much so. 

Forgetting the one rule as a christian that we're supposed to follow "Do. Not. Worry." It's hard though when there's pain and no answers. That's true for emotional and physical pain. It's been a weird week. I haven't worked out with the exception of Monday a light walk, run, jog but I have been resting, which seems to help. 

My diet has been decent, I had a ton of candy the other day, which isn't bad but mix in some pcos symptoms and metformin and it made for an epic trip to stink town. Muahahaa, there I go talk about my bowels again. Maybe I should call the blog, all about my poo dot com.... nope. That's gross. ha!

I started a new bible study this week and I'm a bit nervous about how it will reveal the deepest parts of my heart, as well as ask me to be vulnerable. The book is Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. 

Week 1, a question popped up that I have a VERY hard time answering. 

"Do you think you are beautiful?"

Now take a moment, reflect. Close your eyes if you have too. How do you think of beauty? Do you think that you are beautiful? At first thought, I think no. Now, this isn't some self deprecating post to get people to tell me that I am beautiful. The thing is friends, family, loved ones, strangers can call tell us how pretty or how nice we are, but if we do not take that truth and instill it in our hearts, we will not believe. As a teenager struggling with weight and horrible acne scars, I considered myself the "designated ugly fat friend" as the boys often wanted to talk to my more "prettier" friends through me. It sucked but I had(have) and amazing personality and people often told that. As I grew into a teenager and young adult I also became fearful that I was a butter face. "Everything's cute but her face."

It's amazing the monikers we assign to ourselves. The words that people threw around, pork chop, heavy set, fat. 

Why do we equate these words spoken in judgement with our beauty and our worth? I wish I could answer that. If I could I think I would have the answer on how to fix it. However what I do have is a promise. 

A promise from God that I am worth more than rubies. 

Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no fault in you."

1 Sam 16:7 "...man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Proverbs 3:15 "She is worth more than rubies."

Luke 12:7 "And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns-- and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they are?"

Genesis 1:27 "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

These are just some of my favorite verses when I am struggling with my beauty and my worth. I think the important thing to remember is their is beauty in all of us. No matter our shape, size, or color. There's a difference between being healthy and being unhealthy. There is a difference between our beauty and our worth, beauty and our health. We are not worthy because we are beautiful. We are beautiful because we are worthy. Worthy of love, of attention, of being heard; respected. We are especially worthy of things from ourselves. 

I am resting this week, and not logging my food. I feel a little better each day. It feels good to listen to my body. This body that is worth self care and love, and it is worthy of being thought of as beautiful. 

Remind yourselves this weekend as you go about the task of cleaning house for the 12th million time, or head to the grocery store in a ball cap, or a little league game in sweats. You are beautiful dressed up or dressed down. 

Thinking of you all today. Thank you friends, 

Blessings, 

A