I'll first start by saying that I'm calling out someone in a good way. I won't go as far as to name this person, but if you read this...you know who you are. A few weeks ago a fellow mom in the making had her baby shower. I was delighted to attend as we had been praying for her miracle together for over a year. (She had been praying for 8 years with her husband.) At her baby shower, one of the women told me "that was really sweet of you to babysit our friends baby the other night." This to me was just a small gesture as our mutual friend's husband was away for work. When I was a kid my dad often traveled for work often, leaving my mom to run a household of 3 goblins by herself. I saw first hand how my mom had to single parent for not only weeks but sometimes for a few months at a time. Knowing the impact of how rewarding, yet hard parenting can be...let alone parenting solo... I do what I can for those who need a break, aka MOMMY TIME!
Anyway, the next day when we were all at church together this same woman said: "that was so sweet of you to go to that baby shower." Again, I didn't think much of it, as there had been other partygoers, but then this sweet woman looked at me and said "No. I mean, given everything you've been through." I had not personally told her our struggle with infertility, but I knew someone must have, while I was trying to decide how I felt about that, she said: "I just wanted to say I see you." Those words gently landed on my heart and eased a small pain that had been hiding there since I received the baby shower invite. She went on to say "I see how hard you're fighting. I see how brave you are. Know that I am praying for you."
I was filled with joy. I couldn't believe just those 3 little words could mean so much. Usually, when people comment on our journey it's a suggestion on what to do next. While everyone has love in their hearts when they ask these questions or makes suggestions, they are still really hard to hear. We've detoured on our path to parenthood in the last few years, focusing on different goals, but that doesn't mean it's not still with us every day in the back of our minds.
People often don't know what to say in situations when they feel uncomfortable. (I'm basically the opposite of that and continue to make it awkward for everyone... I'm talented like that.) When I first heard Renee Brown say "I see you." In her Netflix special 'Call to Courage', I thought that's neat, but I didn't understand their impact until they were spoken to me.
A few years ago we were at a family reunion where both my sister and sister in law were pregnant, their due dates were literally 1 day apart. I had been dreading this event for months. While I was very excited about these two beautiful babies that were about to enter our lives, I didn't want to spend 4 hours reliving the pain of what I couldn't have until one of the relatives told me they loved me, they are praying for me, and that they are creating a special blanket just for me and my baby, like they were for my sisters. It was nice to be included...to be seen.
This post isn't about things you should or shouldn't say to someone going through infertility. Rather it's a reminder to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)
Rene Brown towards the end of her special talks about how gratitude is healing. A mother who has lost a child, heartbroken and alone, talks to a friend about their child who has just had a school picture taken, can be hard. However, as Rene said, "If you're not willing to show me a picture of your child, then my pain & experience is not on the table either." For a time it was hard for me to attend certain family functions or birthday parties. I needed time to find my own definition of what "a family" looks like. What I wish for everyone to know is when you are grateful for your children, for your families, you understand the magnitude of what I felt like I was missing.
Dean Winchester s10 e17
My infertility journey humbled me in so many ways and as much as I wish I could hear fat little baby feet running up and down hardwood floors I would not trade the past 8 and half years if it meant that I would not be who I am today. I needed to grow and learn.
So here's to my family. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me rejoice with you when it's time to rejoice, and thank you for mourning with me when I needed to mourn.
Blessings,
A
(P.s. names were removed and event types were changed to protect the innocent. Obviously, I am not innocent 🤣🤣)
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