If anyone whose ever moved during a national pandemic into temporary housing knows, everything is chaos. It's tough setting a schedule, it's tough sticking to one, once you find one. It's kind of easy to let go and binge eat, while attempting to juggle realtors, contractors, (first world problems, am I right?).. Being in a unfamiliar city and state. As stressful as it is though, I want to honor where we are as well. Not just in location, but also as a couple.It's been 9 long years since we started hoping for a baby. For a long time I wore our infertility diagnosis like a heavy unwanted badge. It became hard for some to be around me. As women, I think, we are often pushed into things we don't necessarily want. Even for men I would say. We're supposed to be strong, ignore the pain, not cry; put your lipstick on, don't talk about what makes others uncomfortable. To be literal grace under fire. Friends let me be the first to tell you, this is not me. LOL I am not usually grace under fire. I am often panicking, sweating, trying to catch my breath while trying not to cry...(I decided I might not make it out of the zombie apocalypse if I can't keep my panic attacks in check, hahahahha. but that's a different story for a different day.)
The beginning is always fun, right? When trying to conceive. Then when months, turn into years, and google searches turn into doctors appointments and follow ups, it gets real scary, real fast. You grieve a loss that was never really there in the first place. You also grieve a loss of your daily life as early morning workouts turn into the 6:30 am weekly lab drawls or wand inspections. It doesn't matter if it's secondary infertility, hard fought years battle against the unthinkable, or if you've only been trying a year. It all sucks.
However for me, infertility also opened my world to new friends, helped me grow closer to some, taught me how to avoid toxicity; I've come face to face with my own emotional demons and come out the other side a better person. I realized after I missed an invite to do the virtual walk yesterday, that I might not wear that infertility badge as heavy as I used too. It's more like a loose button in your jacket pocket. I don't notice it's there until I reach my hands into my pockets for something else. When my fingers brush over it and feel the smooth, cool, plastic. I also feel the sad stab in my heart of familiar pain.
It's like the worst magical button too. It's tends to show up in all of your jackets, sweaters, pants; hoodies, shirt pockets. It's not a particularly nice looking button either. It's there. However you don't get rid of it because someday you may come across an item that could use such a button.
Whether thru IVF, IUI, adoption or my pet children, by God's grace I will grow my family. Who knows... a button might look cute on a dog collar, right? Or be sown into the right outfit for the children of the two legged variety. Taking that pain and turning it into something more beautiful.
Alright friends, it's getting late. I need to take the doggo out for her stroll and start getting ready for bed.
All my love, #honoryourstory
Amanda
If you are struggling please visit https://infertilityawareness.org/ or https://resolve.org/ for more resources. Blessings friends, Ill be back tomorrow. #FURBABYDAY
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