I gotta tell you though, this is pure joy. Being an adult and getting to eat cookie dough whenever I want! I enjoyed every bite I took, however I instantly felt guilty afterwards.
Okay that's not the confession either. Here it is: I cannot stop thinking about eating the cookie dough. I know it's in the freezer. Just sitting there. Being delicious. I keep thinking about how it will taste to pull a chunk of it off and roll it around in my mouth. The sugar and buttery goodness. My brain is fixated on that goodness. If I know there is chocolate in the house or if I really want french fries, or cookies... if there is a particular food I want I CANNOT get it out of my head. It's almost like an obsession. If we're out to eat and I see you get a doughnut, I start wondering where can I get a gluten free doughnut, I must have one. I want to taste that doughnut. Until I finally go to the store to find an allergy friendly one, warm it up and consume it I cannot stop thinking about it what it might taste like.
I have gotten better about not being so impulsive and giving into every craving. Over time I have also gotten better about listening to my body on when a enough is a enough. I actually was able to eat only half a bag of m&m's the other weekend. Progress!
I'm not sure if I'm actually addicted to sugar or if it's just a by product of how I previously dealt with stress, either way - it's back. Tonight as the cookie dough taunts me from behind the freezer door I am determined to over come the pull it has on me.
The #1 thing that is helping with this is I have a goal. A motivating one. 10 years ago this June, was the the unhealthiest and heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was mad at the world for their beauty standards, actively spoke out against people going to the gym, and ate without really caring, claiming that I EARNED the cookie. However on the inside I hated myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how I looked standing next to my handsome husband. I hated that people were impressed when I seemed to preform a harder task "for a big girl".
I can't say I ever really had a healthy relationship with food. After the sexual abuse I experienced as a child I thought the more I ate the bigger I'd become and the more space I could create between everyone and myself. Then high school. I wanted to play basketball and look like the rest of my classmates. I once went 3 days without eating. (How I managed to do that I have no idea... I can barely go a few hours now without a least a snack before feeling cranky.) Somewhere between my junior year of high school and 2010 I reverted back to over eating. Eating to the point of being massively uncomfortable. I've talked about my issues with food before on the blog, so I apologize if this all sounds like a repeat.
10 years ago I weighed my heaviest and this summer, I want to honor how far I've come in that journey. I don't want to weigh the least amount...(not only would that not be healthy that's not my goal.) I want to do it achieve my goal of being a healthier me. Yes, ideally I'd like to lose weight. Not because I think I'm ugly or fat. I want to lose some weight because I want to run faster and have more energy.
Cookies, cookie dough, is absolutely fine in moderation. Tonight I am trying to practice moderation. Plus think of the joy I'll feel tomorrow when I get to have cookies (
I originally got on tonight to write about everything I'm doing instead of eating the cookie dough, LOL. I made a salad, oven roasted pork chop, and broccoli for dinner. Something healthy to balance my hormones out before starting that night time routine. What started out as a post to tell you what I was doing besides giving into my craving (i.e. make dinner, text some friends for support, and write this post.) turned into a full confession of my journey to better health and how even after 10 years and 50lbs I still struggle to overcome obsessively thinking about food.
Alright friends, time to let the doggie girl out and start my bedtime routine.
Blessings,
A
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