It happened in a Jamaican Jungle

Today's post is going to be a long one, but bear with me as it explains...well...everything. I also bounce around a little but it will come together, I promise. 

I lost my voice. Well, my bloggers voice. I lost the tone for my blog, I lost my motivation for working out. I just wanted to eat junk food and chocolate non-stop and it wasn't just because I spent 7 months training for a full marathon. I couldn't motivate others because I myself was not motivated.

I think I was losing my vision and my voice due to two major major factors.

The first being, that I will soon be making a big life transition. I'm not sure if you remember this post-- Head Space? About  how I could feel this change coming but I wasn't sure what it meant. I now have my answer.
Image result for I set my sails for a new direction But the wind got in my way I changed my course but my definition of change Just ain't the same

Just like Eric Church's song "I set my sails in a new direction, but the wind got in my way. I changed my course but my definition of change just ain't the same."

As a teenager, after ditching the idea of becoming an actress, (let's be real, I was too naive to head to the world of Hollywood and while I'm spunky, I used to be a push over.) I decided I wanted to be a massage therapist. I wanted to own my place where I could help women fall in love with themselves. I wanted to have an all natural, organic cafe; hair, massage, body treatments; child care, a conference room for speeches and classes, a pool, I wanted it all. I wanted a place in the mountains. I envisioned it so perfectly I even convinced my sister to operate the cafe part. To the point where she went to school for an entrepreneurial degree. (She has also since gone onto her dream job as an activities coordinator.) I wanted to be able to put my name on something in big bold letters and be proud of it. I wanted people to know I had been here on this planet and that I had made my mark.

For well over a year now, I have been kicking around the idea of going back to school. This last December instead of just checking the air in the tires with my foot and doing internet searches I finally talked to a few admissions counselors. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to stop being a massage therapist.

Recently, the man and I were on vacation and on one of our excursions we were zip lining through this really fancy garden, it was really a jungle of a large garden size. While I waiting for my old man to zip across to my platform, one of the specialists asked me what do I do for a living, actually his exact words were "Are you still in school?"
I solemnly replied that "No, I'm a massage therapist, but I've been thinking about going back to school."

A few weeks ago I was offered a job opportunity. One  I couldn't pass up. Stability. Plus all the adult benefits of a full time job. I knew I needed to make a change when the words "401k and PTO" sounded more exciting than learning about new spa products and techniques. While, I'm not sure if  it's the best step professionally, I do know it's a stepping stone towards my next great adventure. I'm very much looking forward to the freedom this will bring in other areas of my life. Next year, I am planning on making small steps to head back to school. After that I am setting my sights on becoming a registered dietician. I would LOVE if I could specifically help women with hormone disorders. Or at the very least, become a wellness coordinator and help everyone be happier and healthier through education.

The other reason why I haven't written in so long was because I was scared. Someone recently told me that I wrote something mean spirited and passive aggressive about them on my blog. I had to rack my brain to figure out what it was exactly that I had written to cause someone to think that. I have poured over my blog posts trying to decipher this.
Ultimately I came across the line that they were referring to. First thing I want to say is, in no way is this post meant to shame this person and I will also not go into details about who this person was/is or what they mean(t) to me.
What I discovered was a statement I made on my blog was taken way out of context. I was scared to write after awhile. I had to ask myself was I subconsciously writing about this situation or person? Ultimately I can say with certainty that-that post I wrote was not about that person. Yes, I have written posts with people in mind, however, it has never been with maliciousness in my heart. It's always been about overcoming obstacles, whether it be people, ourselves, or our emotions.
I know I have talked about haters and people who have said negative things to me, but I also know that my mind can turn a molehill into a mountain, I feel better when I blog it out...maybe I shouldn't blog so loudly on the open internet?
What I really long for though is to find others like myself. I want others who struggle with anxiety to know that we can overcome every thing we overthink.

I needed to reclaim my space in this little corner of the internet. I mean, can you imagine if I really had become an actress? I would have lost my nerve after the first bad review or terrible thing someone wrote about me. I would have cried myself to sleep over something stupid I said or did. I would have packed my bags and moved back home. Trying to hide from my failure.

I won't apologize anymore for what I said, because ultimately it was not about anything other than me letting things go. I still needed to address it though, because I can't be me without being wholly, honestly me.

On a completely different note, I've also wanted to restructure the blog a little. However I will post more on that tomorrow.
I am hoping next week to have transitioned into my new job as well take my blog with me on this new journey.
I appreciate you sticking around to read my posts and tune into my life. No matter what phase of my life I'm in.

Thank you,